Dear Candy

Dear Candy…


Dear Candy,I’m just an ordinary girl during the day. I go to work in the office, I come home but something keeps happening to me at night – I go wild! I run around my housing estate howling, sometimes I wear heels while I do it that are way too high and I fall over, sometimes I just go out in the nude. The guards have had to be called before. I roll around in the grass, yell at people in the street and knock people’s bins over. And that isn’t the worst of it!

I usually take what I find in peoples bins home with me and put it in the spare room. It’s starting to pile up in there. I also go around hanging my dirty washing and old newspapers on other peoples washing lines and put pairs of my old socks filled with hummus in their birdhouses. Why hummus? Why birdhouses? I don’t know!

I just don’t know but it’s got to stop! Every morning I wake up my mouth tastes gross because I eat all the raw steak and onions out of the fridge on my late night binge. This madness seems to happen to me every evening, not long after I finish my bottle of vodka. I have no idea why it’s happening to me. I’m afraid my boss will find out. Please help!

Candy: Oh my Gawd! It sounds like you’ve got one hell of a demon stuck in you. It’s one of those trick playin’ kinds so there is only one thing to do that I know will help get rid of that sock filling freak! First you need to eat 10 boiled eggs, not hen eggs, goose eggs, one after the other – no stopping. Then 10 raw goose eggs. Then dance around on top of nettles for an hour with bare feet. Then walk backwards around where you live 20 times while wearing 20 pairs of socks. Then you get six packs of playing cards and you need to eat a joker card outta each one. Finally dress up like a clown and get people to throw cream pies at your face and send me pictures. That last part isn’t part of the demon removing ritual, it’s just something that would make me laugh. Anyway that should do it!

Cara: Let me start by saying Candy is insane so don’t listen to her. Next I want you to understand that it is clear you have psychological issues and a problem with the alcoholic beverages you consume late in the evening. You need to contact a helpline or group that can help you or your doctor as soon as you can.

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